Author Topic: [M] Stationary Suffering  (Read 2208 times)

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Offline SerpentineSneezes

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[M] Stationary Suffering
« on: June 08, 2017, 04:10:57 PM »
This is my first sneezefic I have ever written both on this site, and ever. I looked and read a number of your guys' stories to find the inspiration to do this. I would like to thank Furry-Sneezes, and megacycle for the inspiring stories that had captured my attention, and megacycle again for showing me the order in which to tag things. So thanks to them, and all of you for writing and giving me material to study off of. <3 Please comment criticism, it's always appreciated. :D
----

Many brightly shined shoes were clacking against the cobbled pavement, urgency fizzing off their owners in waves. Dark green hedges were neatly trimmed and manicured prior to the present event, glistening in full view of the Sun's glorious rays. Tin helmets that barely covered the eyes gleamed atop the adjacent rows of canine heads, the narrow builds of armor clad foxes stunted in comparison to the large castle looming before them. It was the anniversary of Queen Emery the Second, and most everyone in the accompanying towns of Sholt and Massel would be attending. Among the foxes stood a perky young fellow, his creamy colored pale chest fur curled and groomed where it puffed out of the v-shaped abdominal plate; curving over his canine hips. His name was Weston, and this was his first attendance of the event as a heir to his father, who was once a guard before him. Standing roughly at 5'4", this red fox was particularly excited for his first glimpse at the Queen in all of her glory. His tail refused to stay still, the urge to swing and wag making his whole body rigid.
     As the minutes buzzed past, Weston had begun loosing focus. His tail hung loosely, eyes boring into the cobbled path in front of his paws. People were mulling around, babbling incoherently. Then the chipper fox was alerted and nearly scared out of his fur when a fellow guard quickly swiped out a paw, gripping his chin within the folds of his pads, wrenching his muzzle up towards the azure sky. No words were exchanged, but Weston knew he had to correct his positioning before the queen exited the brick castle. Waiting was tedious, but the work and dedication had paid off when the bugles sounded, flashing cranberry colored flags.
     She was here- white, glossy fur glistening in the sun, she sat atop a regular horse drawn carriage, pale green eyes fixing every single guard with an unmistakable glare that was sure to melt the plates of armor right off their bodies. Weston nearly gasped, finding his jaw gaping as his tongue lolled out. Quickly composing himself again, he tried his best to stand taller, chest puffed out as much as it possibly could without digging his ribs into the broad, thick metal plates. He took in deep breaths as the bugles continued to sound in a deathly quiet atmosphere, Weston refusing to blink his slanted eyes, golden in color. Emery II was breathtaking, and also available. Not to a fox coming from a poor family such as himself, but he could dream. And he would.
     Something in his jaw spasmed as the Queen's eyes rested on him. He could've sworn a flicker of a smile crossed her face before she moved on down the line. The sound of cicadas filled his sensitive ears, and the cheers were deafening. -Now she would step off the carriage.. Weston had her every movement memorized. He was like a moth attracted to a light. A stationary moth. Breathing in and out almost raggedly, the young fox was desperate to take in the Queen's scent as she went down the two separate rows, acknowledging each of her guards with a slight nod of her long eared, triangular head.
     Her smell was delicate and lustrous, and Weston felt his eyes water. She was breathtaking.. splendid.. aromatic-- "h.." The fox heard himself wheeze dryly. There was a quelling itch that had begun to prickle at his muzzle that he longed to rub at, however his arms were supposed to be stationary, facial expressions kept to a minimal. That's what his father said. However Weston felt himself brace up, his nose wriggling and twanging at the once refreshing scent. "Hih.." He was disobeying rules.
      Mouth cracked open slightly, Weston felt himself sniffle and whine under his breath. His eyes were funneled to the ground, muzzle scrunched up with the distant urge to sneeze that only got worse the closer down the row the Queen got. Weston was now panting, sneezy tears prickling in his eyes as he felt his sensitive nose burn and itch. His mouth was left ajar, the Queen taking dainty steps with her small paws. He focused on those instead of his desperately wriggling nose, mouth downturned as the itch spread deeper into his sinuses. "H..heh.." Breathing raggedly before, his air supply was cut as Weston made an attempt to starve away the tickle.
     Eyebrows furrowed, he had forgotten to keep his stance. He had forgotten he was next in line. Mouth opening as his lip curled to expose his pearly canine teeth, his eyes squinted as the tickle nearly drew his nose over the edge. He was sniffling hard now, his main goal to keep his nose from dribbling. The Queen was walking with a stylized, coy look as she swung her lips. Weston couldn't take it anymore, his pupils dilated beneath closed lids. "H..heh.. H'..HACH'MP! Heh.. Heh'ISHH!"
      His two desperate sneezes were somewhat conveniently caught by someone's palm- Emery. Her mouth was slightly downturned, eyes glittering with dismay. "Learn to control yourself." She whispered softly, a hum in Weston's ears. It had been a split second, but felt like a year of staring into the narrowed eyes of his Queen, his own wide and perturbed. Without a further response, and without waiting for one, the Queen continued to saunter her way along, wiping her furry hand on the side of her flowy, pallid dress.
      Weston was about to compose himself again, completely drained when a flick of something sleek caught him across the rims of his nostrils. Her tail. "HHH'APSHEW!"
----

Thank you for reading! Remember to comment constructive criticism.  8)
« Last Edit: June 14, 2017, 01:27:53 AM by Furry-Sneezes »
~ Kat :D

Offline PartyPony18

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Re: [M] Stationary Suffering
« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2017, 07:49:32 PM »
Wow, this was fantastic!! ^^ I loved the really great description of Weston trying to stay still, even while his nose was twisting and quivering! I really liked the Queen's response too, great job!
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Offline Furry-Sneezes

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Re: [M] Stationary Suffering
« Reply #2 on: June 08, 2017, 07:57:31 PM »
Oooh. Mono-species! That's a major plus in my book. Gives more credibility to the point of anthro-izing. :3 A nice read, I enjoyed the pacing overall. I think I confused myself a few times, though, having pictured her already gone past but then she wasn't, and picturing her on a horse but then suddenly she's walking. I blame that part on my sleepiness more than the story, but perhaps still worth mentioning.

Outside of that, writing critique would come with small things like "a heir" -> "an heir", "5' 4"" -> "five four" / "a little over five feet" etc, the missing indentation at the start, and just a general tip of making sure to re-read through it and ensure you have everything fleshed out to the level you are looking for. :3

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Offline SerpentineSneezes

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Re: [M] Stationary Suffering
« Reply #3 on: June 08, 2017, 08:04:57 PM »
Thank you both! I tried, but I couldn't convey things very well. I really appreciate you guys taking your time to read this. XD
~ Kat :D

Offline UltimateChimera

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Re: [M] Stationary Suffering
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2017, 04:54:44 AM »
Goodness, the way you describe the sneeze slowly taking hold of his nose and how the tickle slowly creeps deeper inside his sinuses is fantastic~
Coochie coo, you'll sneeze soon~

Offline Retrofan191

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Re: [M] Stationary Suffering
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2017, 04:55:46 PM »
Fantastic!

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Re: [M] Stationary Suffering
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2017, 04:44:57 AM »
Your story is awesome - I LOVE fox sneezing, and I like only MALE foxes with GOOD alignment - and your character seems to meet both these conditions! Great job!